“Good leaders possess both strength and sensitivity. They are tough and tender. They are soft on the outside (relational), but firm as a brick on the inside (principle-centered). Because they are emotionally secure, they’re able to handle confrontation and conflict in a healthy way.” (Tim Elmore, Habitudes #1)

As leaders, we are called to have strength and compassion. It’s essential that we have the backbone to do hard things, even when they are unpopular. However, we shouldn’t be so hard and strong that we fail to notice when empathy is needed, and that we miss out on chances to connect with clients and co-workers.

I totally understand that compassion fatigue is real, and that it can be difficult to have empathy and compassion with clients who continue to make the same poor decisions (which you then have to deal with) day after day. Even after just an hour of Bible study there are days in which I get to the point where I’m less compassionate than I should be, so I know those of you who are with the same people for 40 hours a week end up feeling drained of empathy. We have hard jobs, so we have to be strong in order to do them well.

The Velvet-Covered Brick principle is about demonstrating that strength while still retaining compassion. We can be a brick inside, but on our outside, when people encounter us, they should see velvet. What is velvet? Velvet is the part of us that is tender, real, desires relationships, and demonstrates sensitivity and vulnerability. Our velvet is what helps us not to come across as angry or frustrated, and not to take our disappointment out on others.

We need velvet, but we also need brick. Our brick is the part that allows us to stand up, to show courage and strength, to make unpopular decisions, to do right even when it costs us something, and to always demonstrate professionalism and responsibility. Our brick is what drives us to stand up for others, to challenge things we know aren’t right, and what keeps us going even when we grow weary.

We want to be forthright and yet encouraging, be clear and rational, yet possess passion. We want to be practical, yet genuine and humane, and to be disciplined, yet flexible. We want to stick to our principles, but still be warm toward others.

How do we accomplish this mindset? As always, we can look toward Scripture and Jesus as our example. We all know the stories of the ways that Jesus stood up to the Pharisees. That was all brick. He called them out on misuse of the temple, he stood up to them when they were mistreating those on the margins, and he was not afraid to say whatever He thought needed to be said.

However, we also see extreme compassion in the life and ministry of Christ. Jesus took children on to his lap and spoke to them in a way that let them know they mattered. He deeply cared for those whom society pushed aside because of career choices or sickness. The people around Jesus knew they were loved—that’s why so many people flocked to him. That part of Jesus was pure velvet.

Because of our personality and backgrounds, we all have a different ratio of brick to velvet. Some of us are pillows of velvet with a little marble of brick inside, while others are giant slabs of brick with some tiny tufts of velvet hot-glued around the edges. My encouragement to you today is not to totally change your personality—compassion and strength are both great qualities to have. Rather than trying to lessen anything, I encourage you to try to grow in the one that is more lacking. Decide if you are more velvet or more brick (let’s be honest—you probably already know!).

Once you have determined where your naturally tendencies lie, look for ways you can grow in the other area. Maybe it’s sitting and listening to someone who needs some time (velvet). Maybe it’s not shying away from making a right decision that you know will cause some conflict (brick.) Maybe it’s really stopping to put your self in the shoes of another, stopping to contemplate the reasons behind behaviors (velvet). Maybe it’s dealing head-on with conflict, rather than choosing to avoid it (brick.) Wherever you need to grow, do one thing today that is a little out of your brick/velvet comfort zone. And after you have lived through that, maybe try one more. We all have velvet and brick inside, and as we look to the example of Christ may we learn to show them both!